Thoughts on the way home

All these random honks from buses and jeepneys always keeps me awake, even if my body feels an inch from blacking out. I get home tired everyday at 11 pm to be exact,tired from school and  from travelling an hour and a half to and fro. I want to rest but all these noises can’t make me. I open my facebook account to entertain me in this long, hot and boring ride home. I happened to watch a video and my whole world just stopped. It’s like I was reeled in from thinking all these bad stuff that happened to me and all the times I wanted to just give up. I realized I had no right. I had no right at all.

 

I often complain about lots of things: having a bad day, school killing me, health issues, very low pain tolerances, people not appreciating me much, over exerted efforts, unfair judgement of others and etc. All these shallow reasons which make me somehow think life is not worth living.

 

And then here I am, stumbling upon these videos online about Aleppo and everywhere else where innocent people are killed day by day. I realize how selfish I am, how I always wanted to make a change but always easily drowned by my own problems.

 

Image result for aleppo victims

I’m sorry for the graphic content.

 

My heart breaks for all of the victims, and it’s ripped apart even more knowing I can’t do anything useful for all of them but include them in my prayers every night. I’m sorry you had to experience all of these. I am really sorry for everything. We have failed you.

Reset

left-arrow

Wake up.

Prepare myself for the day.

Ride public transpo to school. (*cue The Walking Dead type of sht with countless commuters ala zombie apocalypse mode)

Study/Stress out/ Die.

Get home.

Sleep. 

These days, I’ve been waking up with the sore feeling of boredom, familiarity, heaviness and regret and I’m a hair away from breaking down.

As a dreamy child, I never imagined myself being this modern type of teenager (with bags under my eyes, every ounce of cynicism and everything else) I’m stressed out as hell and I don’t know how to let it all out (especially with the fact that I don’t get as much free time) So when I feel like sht throughout the day, I just go straight to sleep the minute I get home. This has been pretty much my life these past few months and I don’t like it.

Now I’m just left with lots of “what if’s” What if I didn’t care? What if I flunked school? Will I have lowered the expectations my family have built up over the years-from achievement to achievement I have received? What if I just want to spend time alone in my room and not go out for a week without having to care about anybody else’s opinions, will I be stressing over stuff like getting low grades on a quiz or not passing a research paper? Would I still be having a hard time if I chose a different path? something I actually love?

Sometimes I wish none of these matter to me. Sometimes I wish I could start over because I am just exhausted. Sometimes I wish I’d stop crying because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish I was selfish. I wish I never tiptoe around everyone. Sometimes I wish someone would understand. 

I know this might not even be half of what others are struggling for right now. But I only know one thing, it’s breaking me.

 I long for right amount of sleep, for pillowfights with my little brother, for walks in the park, for the touch of sand in my toes, for the cold breeze of mornings without anything to worry about for the day.

I long for life.

I was a victim of bullying

So I bumped across this article online featuring a video on an episode of a famous TV show called “What would you do?”. It was about how people reacted to a kid being bullied in an ice cream shop.

After watching it, I just happened to remember some unfortunate memories I never want to look back on. I sure wish people like in the video came along and somehow lifted my spirits up during dark times but no, I managed to just talk to the corners of my room and probably write in one of those cliche teenage girl diaries I kept back then. Because you see, I too, was bullied. In my younger years, I’ve had my fair share of painful long sharp breaths on bed just to keep my tears from falling so that no one in the family will notice. I experienced that desperate need to go away, far away from anyone and far away from school inspite my competitiveness academically. I experienced roaming around the city with no particular destination just to let time pass and come home at 10 pm with my active participation on our school publication as an excuse to my parents.

However, growing up, I never talked to anyone about my distress in school. I never wanted to be seen as this “weak girl who was a victim of bullying”. Of course I was happy at school as well with my friends who offered nothing but laughs and pure friendship. If it weren’t only for the things people talked about me behind my back; names and stuff that like a zombie virus spread throughout the campus- well at least to our batchmates I guess, then my friends wouldn’t have gotten the guts to actually tell me with the compensation of me being hurt. Thankfully though, I’ve fully moved on. I’ve outgrew those kind of people, people who carelessly throw harsh words just to see themselves as somehow the superior one. Looking back, the only reason that comforted me was the fact that we were mere kids and childish labeling or group cliques or whatever- uhm catfights? were a cultural norm in that specific phase one goes into. Screw puberty. -_- In this specific blog entry under the “Personal” category, I just wanted to vent out my years of suffering which I told no one about.

Looking back:

Ahhh, i dont really know about this.

But yeah, here goes.

At first, it started off with childish pranks. In third grade, I experienced brawling my eyes out because I lost my bag the whole afternoon but later figured my classmates just hid it. There was also this one time when I went to our stock room to get brooms and stuff and someone LOCKED me in.  The details were pretty hazy and all I remember was this certain classmate (we weren’t close) who threatened the boys to unlock it or she’s gonna tell our teacher. There was also this classmate of ours who badly thirsts for attention-I guess. She used to list down the names of those not behaving properly in class whenever our adviser’s not around. However, she was totally abusive. She hurts us physically and I’m not even joking. She pinches our ears and mouths. I even have a classmate who told her mom and they had a kind of a counselling session. Then in fifth grade, there was this group of girls I branded “xxxx” (it’s the combination of their names, i know, I was so jej) We were initially friends until I heard one of them was using me just because I knew the latest Taylor Swift songs (HAHAHA) I had a compilation on my clearbook at that time and we used to sing it together. I know this is so shallow but as a kid and knowing someone just hung out with you because of specific reasons which benefits them is a bummer to the nth level. But even after knowing this, like an annoying leech I still hung out with them and tried my best to belong.  So the group had a fight and the other half started blurting out bad stuff that they used to talk about and this included all the backbiting they did to me with somehow cleansing themselves as if I owe them because they told me. -_- It was mainly about how I was so OVERLY COMPETITIVE in school or how much of a fraud I was bla bla bla. I was crushed of course– especially when the group reconciled and they started ignoring me like I was invisible again. *sigh (so much for trying to fit in)

So that’s that and I graduated and I hoped I could start over but the bullying just got intense. I was labeled as “sagoy” back in freshman year- short for “saag nga unggoy” (lost monkey. – I was dark and kida hairy- I guess). And the boys kept calling me that as if it was totally fine with me. I can do nothing but to clench my fist whenever they have their “Oh I’m so cool, see how I just made fun of a girl” moments. Then I couldn’t be anymore happier to not be in the same class with those boys again in my second year. I experienced fair shares of catfights with girls as well. Going to school or passing by corridors and hallways with the feeling of everyone staring or laughing at me has been pretty much a daily routine. I don’t know though if it was actually happening or it’s just my anxiety making me imagine things. All of those I endured with the help of my bestfriend. What pushed me to my limit though was when I was accused of stealing. Yes, I was. A 13 year old girl accused of stealing my classmate’s cellphone. Everybody was talking. I don’t even know how things got to that point. All I remember was my classmate’s tone when she told me “I don’t know, you’re the one behind me.” when I asked her if she didn’t notice who got close to her bag. The room fell silent when she said that and I was downright shocked, hurt and words couldn’t flow out of my mouth amid what she was clearly implying. I got up and suggested a bag inspection. I was clean but far from safe from everybody’s words and stares for weeks. I DIDN’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

After days, I remember coming home at 10 pm, crying. I tod my mom I was tired of travelling for an hour to and from school. I told her school was getting to me. I told her my grades are not that good. (I was partly lying. I have always been an honor student but yeah my grades were also a bit shaky that time.) I told her I wanted to stop studying. My mom couldn’t believe her ears. I was an emotional wreck for weeks and yes, at 13 years old I thought of commiting suicide. I wrote “I hate myself” on my notebooks far too many times and I was just devastated.

I transfered schools.

I realized how unhealthy bad environment and company can be. I wanted to move on. I wanted to start over. I felt disgusted with myself and I gathered every ounce of optimism left in me and enrolled in a school closer to home. Little did I know, that was the best decision I have ever made in my life. After turning much more to God and talking to him every single day asking for guidance together with the help of the love of my family and peers.

I started over.

I had hope even amidst every inch of fragility and negative thoughts.

I had hope.

Everything went well. I gathered friends in my new school which are now family and are kept close to my heart. I formed bonds, great bonds with everyone and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I actually belonged. I felt as if my absence would actually affect others in a tiny extent. I had memories I will forever treasure in the depths of my mind. I also actively participated in school organizations and kept myself busy academically. After years of hardwork incorporated with great friendship,  I graduated as the Salutatorian of school year 2013-2014 0f Cansojong Technical Vocational School.

I was happy

-genuinely happy.

Although I know I’ll be faced with greater challenges,

I know I will not falter that easily.

But if in certain circumstances I do,

I will stand right back up, count on it.

96e8d92b905b901c9f4b978ae46538f6

Manila 2016

I feel as if posting this is senseless since I had this vacation months ago but guess what, I will. (lol) I’ve just been very busy with school lately and I miss blogging. On the contrary though, I have no idea what to write about but here I am stumbling upon our pictures on our travel to Manila last May 2016 and I am psyched haha. Seeing these photos brings back a lot of memories *sighs, I wish I can take a longer time off from school as soon as possible. It’s just exhuberating at a great extent. (a lazy bum taking up Accountancy is never a good idea) So here it is, a flashback to our visit in Manila.

img_5105

We flew at around 4 am on May 11. We were gonna stay at Cavite, Manila where my cousin, ate Jenny resides together with her lovely daughter Yhucka. My aunt and my nieces also traveled all the way from Bicol to Cavite for us to be spending our summer together. Here are the places we’ve been to in a span of two weeks.

 
Splash Island | Binan, Laguna

I had the greatest time! The place’s rides, slides and attractions were on point topped with tribal music everywhere. One word, festive. We availed for a ride-all-you-can ticket which was effective until 5 pm on that day and since we arrived at 10 am, we basically had 7 hours to experience everything. I was ecstatic and that is saying something since I’m never really fond of swimming that much. Watching the kids play all day makes me really happy. ❤

 

Skyranch | Tagaytay

I love theme parks and if the colorful and cheerful vibe of the place isn’t enough, the view down below is amazing. You can actually see the Taal Volcano, (i thought the volcano will always just be one of those tourist spots we study about in our history subject in elementary days but daymm, I actually got to see it!) and the breeze is so peaceful contrasted by the exciting rides that’ll sweat you right up.

 

Picnic Grove | Tagaytay

 

The Picnic Grove is a 15 minute ride from Skyranch. I ticked off lots of things from my bucketlist there like touching a real live croc, seeing a donkey for the first time, riding a zipline, experiencing fish foot spa and trying horseback riding. The place is a 10 out of 10 with its peaceful ambiance and a stroll along the province type of vibe. I also got lots of soveniers from there since I can’t resist them, they’re just too cute.

 

Ocean Park | Manila


We tried some of the place’s activities like the stingray exhibit, sea lion show, buhay ng karagatan,  jellyfish exhibit and symphony. All of it were just jawdropping. Never in my life have I seen a sealion before and touched a big ass stingray. All of the fishes, from the tiniest ones to the ginormous ones, and all other creatures there are so captivating and the whole trip was so informative since there were plaque cards as to the details of each aquarium display. I wanna go back so badly.

 

Yexel’s Toy Museum | Manila

First of all, I’m one of those nerdy people who sprawn over my bed on a daily basis crying over fictional characters from my favorite tv shows and series. I was the one who personally suggested that we add Yexel’s toy museum to out itinerary and it did not disappoint. at all. I was like a kid in a candy store and my sister was annoyed as hell as to how I always want her to take a picture of me with every single display and how I always complain when her shots are not that good and I let her take another one but she does the same. I was just downright teary-eyed when I saw Gollum, Darth Vader, stormtroopers, marvel heroes, Iron Man suits (Jarviiiis) and freaking Iron Throne! The list goes on and on and I was hyperventilating the whole time. This was definitely my favorite part of the trip.

 

Enchanted Kingdom | Laguna

I don’t even know what to say. This was a day of firsts and I’m just really happy. All the rides were exciting and I really enjoyed it! Yes, I am a sucker for extremeties as well and the Space Shuttle was the BOMB hahaha. It was festive as well and the lights during nighttime were captiivating. Ahh the good life.

 

Luneta Park – Mall of Asia – Baclaran Church

These were basically what we did when we didn’t have anything big planned for the day. Just stroll along parks, go to malls and visit churches. Every little time spent together is appreciated greatly since we do not get to see each other often.

 

No matter how far we are apart, we’re always bound together at heart.

 

May 25, 2016 

We had to pack up and leave for home. It was heartbreaking seeing the kids and our other relatives knowing that the next time we’ll see each other is probably after a couple of years. However, it was a really great experience and I can’t thank God enough for having these type of people in my life.

 

This was really a great summer.

8 things on my mind a lot lately | 03

  1. SLEEP. I need as much sleep as I can get. but haha (surprise. surprise) *note sarcasm I bingewatch movies as soon as I have free time- which is so rare because school is killing me. I finally finished Prison Break S1, and yes I’m outdated haha. I’m becoming a teenage modern zombie. BUT I REGRET NOTHING.
  2. HARRY POTTER MERCH. My brother and I are the biggest POTTERHEADS and we found wand keychains on Lazada. We’re planning to buy four of them- Hermione’s, Dumbledore’s, Harry’s and the Elder wand. They’re like 11 cms long and they’re the cutest thing eveeeeer. Next on our list are HARRY POTTER FUNKO POPS. but we need lots of savings this time particularly because one funko pop costs 600 pesos. whooo, bye allowance. (wink.wink)
  3. School. Well, research papers, theses, groupworks, exams, oral recits. *sigh need I say more? (insert dying emoji if there’s one)
  4. John Vesely. fcking SECONDHAND SERENADE’s John Vesely!! haha I’m fangirling cause I just heard his new song “First to know” and it’s on repeat for daysss- as if listening to his songs everyday when commuting is not enough. haha
  5. Buying Rupi Kaur’s “Milk and Honey” book. I mean, man. I follow Kaur on IG and her work is so heart tugging, it breaks you  into pieces and you’re not even doing anything, you’re just reading.
  6. Putting up a new Literature entry here. I’m halfway through with this poem I made for my granny. I hope to finish this soon before I get cranked up with school again.
  7. Bursting on Duterte critics on social media. I literally need to bite my tongue to stop myself from commenting on Duterte haters on my newsfeed every single day. I mean, it’s not as if you’re actually helping the country by doing that, right? Ugh, I so do not want to rant here so let’s just leave this at that.
  8. HIM

A letter to the people who are no longer in my life

 

goodbye

“I know not everyone stays.. but I’ll be fine.”

Everyday, we meet certain individuals who leave us with great memories and help us grow as a person. Come to think of it, it’s funny how you meet people who were once strangers but are now a great part of your life. They come in the most unexpected times but just like that, they can also easily go away. Sometimes, they also come to your life as lessons; on how you should cope up with losses and at the same time learn whether to stay or walk away from people.

So this one goes out to you guys who came as lessons. To the people I left and the people who left me. You may still be here physically but when I say you are no longer a part of my life, I mean it to a point where whatever you say don’t matter to me. I am aware of how cruel the world can be but I can say that I choose to be independently happy and never be cowered by anyone at all who is gonna hinder my happiness with countless negative thoughts.

Thank you, I’m sorry and I wish you all the best.

  • To my once-bestfriends who drifted away: Thank you. I want you to know that I still think of our moments together and laugh inside. I also understand that we never meant to lose each other. I’m sorry that the world keeps on spinning us to different directions but it’s okay. I’m still here for you guys no matter what and I’m proud of what you’ve become.
  • To my elementary and highschool bullies: Thank you. For the not-so-fragile girl I am today, I thank you. If there was one thing I have to say though, it’s to ask you why you did those things to me but nevermind. I’ve fully moved on.  Thank you for making me understand the value of patience and the maturity to face my problems and issues alone. Thank you because my 12 yr old self may have appreciated the city lights a  lot better when I roamed around the streets late at night to get my mind off things (like all the times you guys have accused me of stuff I NEVER did or how I tried desperately to fit in) with my active participation in our school publication as an excuse to my parents. I’m sorry because I may have did something to you or I may have an attitude you don’t like at all; to trigger you from doing  all of those stuff.
  • To my friends who left me in the air: Thank you for teaching me a thing or two about pain and trust. And I’m sorry if I chose to walk away from you instead of working things out.
  • To some of my relatives who offer nothing but criticism: Thank you for letting me understand that I can never really please anyone.To all the high expectations you shackle me in, thank you because it somehow lead to me, tolerating myself to do well under pressure. Thank you for letting me know that I should always appreciate myself because clearly I rarely get those from you. I’m sorry if sometimes you think I’m not good enough. I promise to still do everything I can.
  • To society: Thank you for taking the time to actually notice me even if it’s solely to point out my flaws. I’m sorry for not being perfect.
  • To the people I love who left this world. You are no longer here with me physically and it hurts so bad not being able to see you anymore. However, I thank you for all the times we spent together and I’m sorry for selfishly wishing you are still here with me even if I know you are already in a happy place.

 

Everyone, thank you for the memories- be it good or bad. They helped mold me into the person that I am today. I am terribly sorry for all my imperfections. I’m fully healed and I want to clarify that I’m not holding this out against you or trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted to express myself. I wish you all the best in life and may you all be happy :*

 

8 things on my mind a lot lately | 02

  1. Coffee. This will never not be on top of my list. I’m staying at my cousin’s for 5 days now. We just had dinner and I don’t know if they’re used to  my constant coffee craves after every hour or so (lol). 
  2. Sherlock IV. They just started filming and I can’t waiiiit! Can’t keep Benedict off my mind hahaha #cumberbitch 
  3. Milo Dinosaur shake. Since we’re in the midst of summer, I’ve been craving for something refreshing. I swear to God it’s just so hot in the Philippines I can’t even. Ugh I get to easily whip up a thirst-quenching Milo Dinosaur back home but since I’m at my cousin’s right now, it’s not as easy. Well, I guess I need to manage with water-ice cold water. 
  4. Finishing this video I made during our trip to Hidden Valley Beach and Wavepool resort.  I’m supposed to be finished with this days ago but I’m a big ass procrastinator, so.. 
  5. Buying the Third book of the Miss Peregrine’s book series: Library of Souls. I already have the first two and I can’t wait to get my hands on the third one-yeeeee. :3 
  6. The family’s upcoming highlight summer trip. We’ve already booked flights for flying in and out to our destination and I’m just excited. I’m probably gonna blog about it, haha Good memories need to be pen down for emphasis, right? #memoryhoarder 
  7. Saitama. Haha I’m trying to let my cousin watch One Punch Man with that desperate hope for her to like it since it’s just pure awesomeness all packed up in one series. And of course, because Saitama is BAE ❤ #fangirlproblems 
  8. DIGONG.

 

I just realized I used too much hashtags on this entry haha. :3

2 AM thoughts

tumblr_my49xfnle11sha10oo1_500.gif

Darkness.

The coolness of the wind enveloping me.

The deafening silence.

Numbness.

Blank.

 

As I stare at the ceiling through the hazy orange lamp post lights from the outside, there’s this same burning sensation in the chest yet hollowness in the stomach that I feel. It’s always the same every single night. It’s as if my laughs and smiles for the day end up swallowed in this exact moment; where I’m alone, where there’s no audience and where I’m helplessly vulnerable. I’m not necessarily sad neither happy, I don’t even know how to explain it but somehow I just feel empty. There’s always that space where I don’t think anything or anyone has ever filled yet. And what’s worse is, I don’t know what can or how long will I feel this way. My mind then wanders to awfully lot of things I find hard to even catch up to.

I think of the past- the memories, the fortunate accidents, the what if’s. I see a pair of dark hazel eyes filtered by the rays of the sun. I see my hands wearing those friendship bracelets I used to cherish. I hear children laughing. I hear our song. I replay conversations and alter the things I wish I could’ve said. I taste teardrops and it burns- bittersweet.

I also think of the probable future and fill my head with questions. Will I be hurt over and over again? Will the same people be by my side in ten years? Will you stay? Will I be the same pessimistic girl who feeds on negativity in the most crucial times? Will I still wear a mask in facing society and its harsh criticisms? Will I lay in bed feeling the same burning sensation in the chest yet hollowness in the stomach? Will I be okay? Will I?

Then I slam back to reality. I stare at the ceiling.  I should stop overthinking. Maybe I’m just drained- just dead tired.

“I need to sleep.”

I whisper to myself.

even if I know that this type of ‘tired’ is not just something sleep can fix.

8 things on my mind a lot lately | 01

  1. Coffee. I just had some but it’s always the same every night. After indulging in a big cup, I have these constant debates whether I should go downstairs and stir myself another one or hit the sack. I always go with the first one- obviously.
  2. Starting a new series. It’s just so sad I don’t have the luxury of time to binge-watch addictive stuff right now. It’s tough being a student, I tell you! Especially in the midst of Finals. (may the odds be ever in my favor)
  3. Buying a polaroid camera. But dear wallet won’t cooperate especially because it’s almost summer (crap. bye allowance!)
  4. How not to procrastinate. I need help, I’m drowned with schoolworks yet I’m blogging (HA!)
  5. Writing a new song. Actually worked on one a few weeks ago. Here’s to hoping I can actually finish it.
  6. Buying “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” Book 2- Hollow City. This book’s got me going nuts! ❤
  7. Auditioning for a national competition and yes- I mean local TV shows like The Voice or something. After countless uglycries whenever I watch emotional auditions on youtube, I figured I want to try it myself. Try being a part of something big and something I can look back upon and probably get ashamed of but hey, “you only live once”, right? HAHAHA I can’t believe I just quoted that x)
  8. How to actually get my body clock right. I mean, seriously! I literally can’t remember the last time I went to sleep and my watch says pm on it. -_-